SCENE A court room in England. Sylvia Clarrissa-Jerome is on trial for matricide. We join the action as the Crown’s Prosecution introduces himself to the judge, jury, defendant and the court:
PROSECUTION (TO THE AUDIENCE) Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, allow me to introduce myself. I am Percy Parnstiple-de Oligarch, I will be representing the Crown of Her Royal Highness, our dearest Bess.
POET (FROM THE AUDIENCE) I like your dress
PROSECUTION that is our gracious queen
POET I’ve never seen
PROSECUTION Desist . . .
POET A face more like
A soup tureen.
PROSECUTION Sir! I represent Regina!
POET Regina, Regina,
Show us your vagina
SYLVIA (FROM DOCK) Long may she reign!
JUDGE (WAKING UP) Silence in court!
PROSECUTION (TO JUDGE) Thank you Monty.
I am the prosecution council on behalf of Her Majesty.
POET Majesty, majesty your longevity
Is a source of wonder
One I plunder
Holding my cucumber.
JUDGE Have you finished?
POET (UNDAUNTED)
Sex through a hole in the blanket
Has kept you clean.
Made you mean
Down to your spleen.
JUDGE (TO THE ADVANCING COURT OFFICIALS) Allow him to finish!
POET But not in my dream
Oh wet Queen of cream
(RAPPING) Pity about the stains on my sheets
They dry, go stale
I pick them off with my fingernail . . .
JUDGE Have you tried rubbing in ale? Sieze him!
(THE POET IS APPROACHED AND MAN HANDLED BY TWO COURT OFFICIALS – THEY USE UNREASONABLE FORCE AND BRING HIM IN FRONT OF THE JUDGE)
Hold him still! Let me see the prisonner. That’s right, bring him round. No, not his face, I want to see his buttocks. Oh it’s you young St John. (TO USHERS) You may release the prisoner.
POET High Uncle Mont?
Been dipping in the Font?
Wearing your Mary Quant?
Mother always said you were a c(unt)
JUDGE (OVER POETS LAST WORD) Gag him!
(TO THE POET, HIS NEPHEW) You always were a runt Geraldolphus
POET (MUFFLED SOUND FROM BEHIND GAG SOUNDS LIKE) I’ll tell Mommy on you!
JUDGE You will leave my Court room. Come back when you can abide by its democratic rules. Take him outside and rough him up. I’ll talk to Miranda, your Mother, about this later
(EXIT POET HELD BY USHERS)
Pray continue Percy.
PROSECUTION Your worship. I appear against Sylvia Clarissa-Jerome . . . charged with the murder of her mother Sylvia Clarriss-Jerome Senior OBE. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, when is matricide justified? Never! I say never, ever, ever!
JUDGE A wonderful opener. Well done Percy!
(TO DEFENCE) Now it’s your turn (PAUSE). Get on with it man.
DEFENCE I will seek to show that Sylvia . . . . . is not a murderess.
Yes, there were certain premeditated aspects in this apparent act of matricide but nothing which can’t be explained if we look at the facts – the facts are all there. Sylvia. . .
POET (RETAKES HIS CHAIR, ROUGHED UP)
JUDGE (TO POET) Hi Gerry. (TO DEFENCE) What do you mean?
DEFENCE is innocent!
JUDGE Don’t be ridiculous man! It’s in the bag! She’s as guilty as hell!
DEFENCE (QUICKLY BEFORE HE CAN BE INTERUPTED)Yes, she killed someone but no one of any consequence - under our law!
JUDGE Don’t be ridiculous man!
The rich man in his castle,
The poor man at his gate
da da de da . . . How does it finish Geraldolphus?
POET (SINGING) God gives the rich man cautions
He gives the poor man jail
JUDGE Thank you Gerry. (TO DEFENCE) What are you waiting for man?
DEFENCE I will show that the defendant killed, something that looked like her mother but was actually something that was inhabiting her mother’s body at the time . . .
JUDGE What are you saying man?
DEFENDANT I am saying that Sylvia killed an alien! I am saying that . . .the alliens have landed!
JUDGE (PAUSE) I’ve never heard such, utter rubbish!
DEFENDANT Open your mind Judge!
JUDGE Strike that!
DEFENCE But Jud(ge)
JUDGE You will be quiet or you’ll be removed too. You blokes from the other universities, the polys and such, are unwelcome and, quite frankly, fucking useless. You have ten seconds to conclude your opening speech or I will fine you. Ten! Nine!
DEFENCE (QUICKLY) My point is. It was okay to kick the shit out of aliens in Independence Day.
JUDGE (MUMBLING TO HIMSELF) Six, five. (TO THE COURT) Oh, please be quiet.
DEFENCE Who stood up for the alien's rights when Will Smith kicked seven kinds out of shit out of him?
JUDGE Fucking well shut up!
DEFENCE He could have been rehabilitated. His treatment was indicative of this world’s cold judicial system.
USHER/SYLVIA (MEANWHILE, SYLVIA WRITES NOTE AND BECKONS USHER TO HER THEY HAVE WHISPERED EXCHANGE AND SYLVIA PASSES HER NOTE TO HIM. USHER BRINGS NOTE TO DEFENCE, WHISPER’S IN HIS EAR, DEFENCE TAKES NOTE BUT DOESN’T READ IT YET)
JUDGE (ALOUD) Two. One! How dare you criticise our system. That’ll cost you. Record a fine of two thousand pounds GBP against the commoner.
DEFENCE (TO JUDGE) You stupid, stupid bastard! Start a slate! I don’t care about the money.
JUDGE Strike that too!
DEFENCE I didn’t study law for money. I want to be part of a system of justice where people are treated fairly. Where the defenceless are defended . . . where I can fulfill my ambition. (WAVING SYLVIA'S UNREAD NOTE). Defend a notorious killer, become famous, hey presto! Part time talk show host. Sincere, caring, poncey like Jerry Springer but debonair like Parky. I’d be really good. (READS THE NOTE). Oh. (BREAKS DOWN SOBBING).
JUDGE What is the matter man?
DEFENCE (CAN’T GET HIS WORDS OUT)
JUDGE (TO SYLVIA IN DOCK) Madam, do you have anything to do with this?
SYLVIA I, I . . .
JUDGE Get to the point woman!
SYLVIA I, I . . .
JUDGE Christ, plebians piss me off. Which reminds me, I need to wank myself off. Only ever takes 30 jerks, followed by a short nap and a light sandwhich made with my special jerk mayonaise. Never waste jerk. Therefore, the case against Sylvia Clarrissa Jerome is adjourned for truncheon luncheon.
USHER All rise!
ALL EXIT – END OF PART ONE
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